The Cost of People Pleasing: Why Saying 'Yes' is a Form of Self-Neglect
When you receive a request, your instant reflex is to say "yes." You are the reliable colleague, the indispensable team member, the supportive friend. This trait is often praised - and it feels good to be needed. Yet, beneath the veneer of helpfulness, a quiet exhaustion is setting in. You’re sacrificing your energy, your time, and eventually, your sense of self, all for the temporary comfort of external approval.
For high-achieving professionals, people-pleasing is often a highly effective, yet highly costly, coping mechanism. It’s a survival tactic rooted in the belief that your needs are less important than those of others. This is a pattern that can be particularly persistent for many, including those in the LGBTQ+ community, who may have learned early on that safety and acceptance were conditional on making others comfortable.
The cost is measurable: behavioral health research consistently links chronic people-pleasing to the erosion of self-esteem and heightened anxiety. The question isn't whether you're kind—it's whether your kindness is coming from a place of genuine desire or from a deep-seated fear of rejection.
The Hidden Engine of Approval
The feeling of being obligated to say "yes" doesn't just come from a desire to be helpful; it stems from a powerful, internal driver.
It’s important to acknowledge that people-pleasing isn't an inherently bad trait; for many, it's a social superpower. It makes you highly attuned to others' needs, fosters harmony in teams, and often accelerates your career because you become indispensable. For a long time, it works! It brings you safety, acceptance, and a clear path to belonging.
However, a superpower used without boundaries eventually becomes a burden. The problem is that the engine that powers this behavior - the need for external validation - is hidden and deeply rooted.
This is the point where my professional background becomes critical. As a coach with a extensive experience in psychotherapy, we can safely explore the deeper underlying issues that fuel this chronic need for approval. This exploration is not about blame; it's about clarity. We can examine:
The History of Validation: Where did you first learn that you had to earn your place by being useful?
The Fear of Conflict: What internal script tells you that setting a boundary will lead to catastrophic rejection?
The Zero-Sum Game: Why do you believe that prioritizing your needs means actively depriving someone else of theirs?
It's precisely because this engine is so powerful, and was once so effective, that it's nearly impossible to change through sheer willpower alone. You can't simply decide to stop a behavior that is rooted in old survival instincts. You need a thinking partner to help you safely examine these roots and dismantle the belief that your personal well-being is secondary to the needs and comfort of others. You can stop being controlled by an old, invisible contract.
Coaching as an Exploration of Self-Prioritization
Your path forward is not a list of phrases for saying "no." It is an intentional exploration of what saying "yes" to yourself truly looks like. The work of coaching in this area is always client-led, focused on empowering you to define and maintain your personal sovereignty.
Here are a few examples of the possibilities and potential focus areas that clients often choose to explore when tackling people-pleasing:
1. Auditing Your Emotional Currency
We can explore the internal exchange rate between your effort and your emotional return. Which relationships or commitments leave you feeling energized, and which leave you depleted? Our goal would be to help you recognize and honor the subtle signals of obligation versus genuine contribution, creating a life where your emotional generosity is sustainable.
2. Defining and Communicating Your Boundaries
We can work together to help you articulate your own personal boundaries, not as a defensive wall, but as a statement of your values. “Boundaries” has been caught up in the weaponisation of ‘therapy speak’, but is still a helpful concept. This exploration isn't just about what you won't accept, but about defining what you will require to feel respected and whole. We focus on finding the language and the internal solidity to communicate those needs without guilt or apology.
3. Rebuilding Self-Trust
Ultimately, people-pleasing erodes self-trust because you consistently put external voices ahead of your own. We can explore how to rebuild that inner confidence, helping you develop the ability to make decisions based on internal alignment rather than external expectation. This shift is the foundation for a life lived on your own terms.
Ready to Prioritize Yourself?
If you’re tired of sacrificing your well-being for the sake of temporary approval, you have the courage to make a change. You don't need to become ruthless; you just need a strategic, collaborative partner who can help you dismantle the old narratives and find the clarity and confidence to set healthy boundaries.
Message me to schedule a free call to find out if I'm the right person to work with you.
Source:
Georgescu, R. I., & Bodislav, D. A. (2025). The Workplace Dynamic of People-Pleasing: Understanding Its Effects on Productivity and Well-Being. Encyclopedia, 5(3), 95. https://doi.org/10.3390/encyclopedia5030095
